July 5: What internal pressure drives me to go-go-go?
Two of Bones (Pentacles)
Attempting to balance
Tendency towards overwhelm
Desire for playfulness and fun
I have a real hang-up around the idea of fun. I want so badly to be fun, to be whimsical and goofy and cool, but I also fundamentally don’t believe that I am. This is a very powerful pain point for me. One of the most hurtful things someone can say to me is “you’re no fun.”
Likewise, I have a real hang-up around the idea of productivity. I want to be industrious, productive, accomplished, worthy. When my head hits the pillow at night, though, I almost always feel as though I haven’t EARNED my existence that day, I haven’t EARNED rest. One of the most hurtful words someone could use to describe me would be “lazy.”
The internal voices that drive me to push myself to the point of overwhelm are those that say, you should be able to do it all, be it all, for everyone: fun and productive, cool and accomplished, perfectly balanced and never exhausted. Of course, this is neither reasonable nor necessary for me to be a worthy, valuable human. It nevertheless takes time to internalize this truth.
Affirmation: I am enough, full stop.
Deck: The Wooden Tarot
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