Earned Existence


July 7: When do I find it challenging to stop and rest?
Ace of Cups

New beginnings (esp. relationships)
Emotional connection
The gift of insight
Joy in giving and receiving
Creativity flows

This message echoes the reflections I had with the Page of Pentacles earlier this month. I rush through beginnings. Relationships in the phase of newness and discovery make me anxious. When I’m asked to give of my energy/love/time to a new venture (job, internship, friendship, romance) without knowing what I can expect to receive in return, I contract. I may outwardly seem to be giving generously and enjoying the ride, but internally my brain is being hijacked by fear and stress. What if this internship falls through? What if I’m not any good at this job? What if this person decides they don’t like me after all? I invest all my energy in prevention – working doubly hard, lending a hand whenever I can, baking and cooking for new friends, saying yes to activities and events that are perhaps not right for me – all to prevent the potential loss of failure. There’s no space for rest in this time of frenetic action. There’s no acknowledgement of my own inherent worth. I am thrown back into old patterns of earning my right to existence. Instead of asking all the what ifs around failure, maybe I should try asking different questions: what if I make time to rest and care for myself? What if I invest in my health and well-being so I can show up with my whole self to these new ventures? What if my authentic presence is enough?

Affirmation: My presence matters.
Deck: White Sage Tarot
Companion: Cally Kitten Pants

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